HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
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*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Time for evil
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.