if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
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6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”