[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
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I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.