her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
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My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.