[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
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the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late