SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
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“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Sing it!
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
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*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes