You Might Also Like
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket