I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
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I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney