date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
You Might Also Like
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
My beach vacation Google searches
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.