A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
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i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing