[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
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Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other