Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
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Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect