Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
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For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
584.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do