Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
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How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Not today.. 😂
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.