Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
You Might Also Like
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!