4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
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My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*