I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
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i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.