Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
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According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome