When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
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Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no