The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
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THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don鈥檛 you dare apologize, he鈥檚 a puppy! He鈥檚 still learning!
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
I鈥檝e always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I鈥檓 fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I鈥檓 so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it鈥檚 your problem and鈥re you鈥id you just鈥rowl at me?
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
When cannibals fall for one another, that鈥檚 chew love
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 馃槣
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Insomnia is just your brain鈥檚 way of telling you it鈥檚 secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.