ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
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opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
I did not eat the cake…
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????