Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
You Might Also Like
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life