Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
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Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
You deplete me
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”