I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
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With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
I think this should do it.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.