Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
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Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
stop
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
The little toadstool has spoken.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it