You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
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Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
I feel this so hard
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.