UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
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13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
me doing my best
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Have kids, they said
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
good work, everybody
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*