What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
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oh ffs josh did you not read the email
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok