If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
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“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE