As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
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[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?