Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
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(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Bloody internet 😳
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg