All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
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All generalizations are stupid.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
not to brag, but mine was free
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.