{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
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*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
ACED my prostate exam!
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”