Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
You Might Also Like
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”