[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
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When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
I think we should hear other voices.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.