*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
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My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Cats are still liquid.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!