After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
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Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
The glory of fall.
Art by Pastelkatto
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!