account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
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the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Not😆🤣
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Google Pay be like:
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation