warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
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a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks