Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
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That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
moms in horror movies
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Guy who likes music
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!