[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
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My dad.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier