When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
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Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
me and who
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!