Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
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i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic