My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
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You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.