I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
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That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.