There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
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I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
they should invent a hydrating liquor
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.