*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
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I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Anime is real
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.