Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
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AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Smells like a challenge to me
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠