People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
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Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Doctors texting each other.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory