GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
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BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*